Dude, I’m 5’4” and 150 lbs and I’m not even big enough to be considered “plus-size.” You seriously have nothing to worry about, even if being fat was bad, which it isn’t. Please be aware that your insecurities are rooted in cultural brainwashing and there’s nothing wrong with your body the way it is.
You say you’re “the person you want to be,” but that’s clearly not true yet. Self-love is about the physical as well as the mental.
I’m going to be honest with you here: I used to feel the way you do about my weight, and when I dropped 20 pounds during a particularly emotionally draining time, I didn’t feel any better about myself. I liked the way it looked on a purely aesthetic level, but I still felt ugly and gross. Your self-perception is internal, not external, so you need to go within if you’re going to fix these problems.
Here’s what I can suggest:
-Read the book You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay. Do the exercises in it.
-Check out Gala Darling’s series on radical self-love if you haven’t already.
-Start exercising and eating healthier with the intention of feeling better and stronger, not looking better. Because it will almost definitely make you feel better but it might not change your appearance. (My body, for example, now pretty much refuses to lose or gain weight no matter what I eat or how much I exercise. A lot of “weight issues” are genetic and largely unchangeable in the long-term, even with healthy habits.)
-Cut out any kind of negative influences that are making you feel shitty. Stop reading women’s magazines, stop looking at blogs that showcase culturally acceptable female bodies, stop watching TV shows or movies that make you feel bad about yourself, stop hanging out with people who talk shit about weight and appearance. It’s not worth it.
-To counter that last step: fill your life with body-positive influences. There are tons of body-positive blogs right here on Tumblr. Read Kate Harding’s blog, read Shakesville’s Fatstronauts series, check out my Body Pride pinboard. Fill the void of negativity with some positivity.
-Find ways to make yourself feel beautiful that don’t have to do with weight. Look up some cool hairstyles, get some new clothes, experiment with makeup, whatever. Being superficial isn’t great but sometimes it’s all you have.
Truly, you are worth better than this and I know you can get over these senseless feelings. 145 lbs falls perfectly within the range of ideal weight for your height, so you really have nothing to worry about.