(cont’d) (he loves me, he has never loved anyone before, ect) Although he is understanding for some reason i just do not feel satisfied. he does make some comments that make me upset inside, even thought they are very little. (“your leg is so jiggly,” “stop dwelling on the past”) he also is very immature. we have very different types of humor, i do not find racist or crude jokes funny. also my passion is art and writting yet we have no conversations about these topics. he plays jazz yet he never talks about it and i have never been to a gig. i feel like i am leading him on but we have only been dating for a week. i would feel bad to break up with him so soon. we also go to the same school so it will be very awkward to see him in class and in the hall. i do not want to be friends with him afterwards so i probably will ignore him. i just am very confused! he is very comforting and loving yet immature and sadly uninteresting. it is nice having someone there for me because i can get very lonely and horny! Not to mention im going to university next year. sigh, sorry for this being so long, im just very confused and i trust your advice.
Hey anon, just so you know, I think Tumblr ate part 2 of your message, so I may have missed a large chunk of it. I think I get the gist of what you’re saying, though.
Okay, so, you’ve been dating this guy for a week and you like him but you don’t find him interesting. That makes sense. It can be hard to find someone interesting when you don’t know that much about them.
I’d encourage you to make an effort to get him to open up. Give him the benefit of the doubt, assume he’s interesting on the inside, and try to access that part of him. Start conversations, ask big questions, talk about issues that matter to you. When I want to get to know someone a lot better, sometimes I’ll ask them questions like, “If you could only take 5 objects on a desert island with you, what would you take and why?” or “If you could have a dinner party that would transcend time and space, what 10 people, dead or alive, would you invite?” Some people are reticent about opening up so you kind of have to do the work for them.
As for the racist humor… That’s something that would not be acceptable to me, and might even lead me to end the relationship, but that’s me. Maybe you don’t feel quite so strongly and want to give him more chances. When he makes a joke like that, maybe try asking him (sincerely) why he thinks it’s funny. This is a less confrontational way to get someone to examine their own offenses and privilege.
You say your passions are art and writing but the two of you don’t talk about that stuff. Maybe he doesn’t know how to approach that conversation. You know, there’s tons of connections between the different types of art, so even though the two of you are different kinds of artists, you can still have great conversations about art in general. Maybe you two could even collaborate on something.
Ask him to play you some music. Show him some of your art and ask him what he thinks of it. Tell him about your favorite artists. Ask him about the music he listens to. If you want a certain kind of dialogue to occur, you have to be willing to start it up yourself.
I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with staying in a relationship that makes you kinda-sorta-happy, as long as it’s not actually hurting you or the other person in any way. Being with someone you like isn’t as good as being with someone you love, but it might be better than not being with anyone - that’s a decision for you to make.