(part 2) I don’t laugh at his jokes or I get mad easily or I say really stupid/innapropriate things. When I’m with him by myself I feel totally at ease and happy but with others I feel just like I’m a horrible girlfriend towards him. I asked him about it and he said not to worry but i don’t want to loose him. What should I do?:( thank you
I think it might be helpful to identify what it is, exactly, about being around other people in his presence that sets off your anxiety. Is it because you don’t know those people very well? Is it because you don’t like or aren’t interested in the topics they like to talk about? Do you just dislike those people?
If it’s a problem related to how you feel about those other people, maybe you shouldn’t force yourself to be around them. You don’t have to spend time with people who make you feel bad or weird. My ex’s friends mostly only talked about video games, and while they were lovely folks, I always felt sort of restless and excluded during those conversations. Eventually I told my then-boyf that I didn’t really want to go with him to video game events anymore, except for special-occasion events that were of great importance to him. He knew I didn’t have fun at most of these gamer parties so he was okay with me declining to go to as many.
I also think it would be helpful for you to do your best to force yourself to stay self-aware during those interactions. When you’re about to say something, ask yourself: Is this a nice thing to say, or is it a mean/weird/bad thing? Normally I wouldn’t encourage self-policing or self-censorship because I think most people do too much of it, but it sounds like you might just be word-vomiting rude comments at your boyfriend and then regretting it, so a little restraint and consideration might do you some good. Just don’t go overboard – you still have worthy and great things to say, and you shouldn’t stop talking altogether!
Finally, I’d encourage you to become aware of what triggers your anxiety, what makes it worse, and what makes it better. For example, I can’t go to big social events when I’m tired, sick, or in pain, at least not if I want to have a hope in hell of being pleasant to talk to. Alcohol and caffeine help my shyness so I partake of one or the other (in moderation) if I need a boost in social prowess. I also know that feeling like the “third wheel” or being out of my depth in terms of subject matter (e.g. video games) both make my anxiety/shyness worse. When you identify your triggers as well as things that help you, you can manage the situation and decide whether or not it’s worth it for you to even go to an event. I’m sure your boyfriend would understand if you needed to decline an invite once in a while if you knew the event was going to make you feel terrible.
Aside from that… General social skill improvement might help you as well. Reddit has a social skills subreddit, Dale Carnegie has a great book on social skills, and there are lots more resources out there. I think everyone could use a little more social finesse, not just people with social anxiety. It’s a useful and practical thing to learn about!
Hope that helps. xox