(cont’d) I’ve tried to convince them to be kinder to themself and to take better care of themself, but they just personally believe that they are worth less than other people. They literally can’t think of one nice thing to say about themself (I asked). What can I do? Hearing them saying such horrible things about themself is heartbreaking.
I am an advocate of tough love when necessary, and it does seem like it might help here. If I were in your shoes, I would tell my partner, “You know I adore you, but your insecurity is hurting you, me, and our relationship. I don’t want to be with someone who has solvable problems that they aren’t trying to solve. So I need you to show me you’re making an effort to get over this.”
That could be therapy, or depression medication, or reading self-help books, or getting into a spiritual practice, or whatever.
At the very least, I would insist that my partner not put themselves down in front of me. That might sound kind of cruel, but a) you’re only encouraging them to think and say that kind of thing when you listen to it, and b) you probably don’t want to hear that kind of thing anyway.
You can’t force someone to change how they feel about themselves, but you can steer them in the right direction and you can refuse to tolerate that kind of self-inflicted cruelty in your presence.