Ooooooh this is a good question.
For anybody who doesn’t know, just to bring you up to speed, in January my friend Cadence started dating someone who she’d met on OkCupid, & he’s totally fucking awesome, so that inspired me to start thinking about maybe actually meeting someone from that site eventually. In March I got to talking with someone lovely on there, we went on a date, liked each other, went on more dates, & now he’s my boyfriend!
So, yeah, Cadence & I are both pretty damn thrilled with OkCupid right now, to put it mildly.
Here’s what I think are the most important things:
1. Make sure your profile ACCURATELY (but still attractively, hopefully) reflects who you are. Don’t try to “tone yourself down.” If you’re a huge nerd, write a few hugely nerdy things. If you use a lot of slang from the ’70s, put some of that in there. The people you want to attract are more likely to be interested if they see some element of weirdness about you (a weirdness which matches or complements their own) - if it’s sincere & real, it’ll put off the people you wouldn’t want to talk to anyway, & it’ll totally pique the interest of the kind of person you’re looking for!
2. Be real about what you’re looking for… but don’t get hung up on specifics.
For example: I knew I wanted someone VERY smart & creative. A few months ago, if you’d asked me what I was looking for, I might have said, “Someone who’s super smart & either acts or writes.” My man now is extremely creative, but doesn’t act & pretty much only writes in the context of his main art (making games). I wouldn’t have ever said “I want to date someone who makes games,” but he fit my BROADER criteria perfectly.
You see what I’m getting at? Know what you want, & STATE what you want on your profile, but don’t allow yourself to get bogged down in the details. You THINK you know what you’re looking for, but the perfect person might be waiting JUST outside your boundaries.
3. Answer lots of the compatibility questions (like at least 200, preferably more).
For each question, you get to choose a) your own answer, b) what your ideal partner would answer, & c) how important it is to you that they choose that answer (anywhere from “irrelevant” to “mandatory”).
These questions are worth doing right. Don’t go crazy over them, but definitely do think about them & try to be as honest as possible.
Also, don’t be afraid to use the “mandatory” option! I’ve fully excluded people who smoke, people who are against same-sex marriage, people who do drugs, etc. If there are some things which are instant dealbreakers for you, you might as well take advantage of OkCupid’s ability to weed out those qualities for you!
4. Make sure your pictures are up-to-date, reflect your personality at least somewhat, & LOOK LIKE YOU!
5. The compatibility percentages are worth paying attention to, but they’re not necessarily the most important thing in the world.
For example, I have 98% compatibility with my fella, because we agreed on TONS of the questions, but my friend only has 74% (I think?) with her boyfriend & they get along fine.
6. Remember that interests (movies, music, books, TV, food, etc) are useful for starting conversations but not for much else.
Example: my boy loves metal music, & drone music, & something called “black noise.” I love folk, jazz, & awful ’90s pop. We like each other LOTS anyway.
7. Flattery goes a LONG way, but don’t be creepy.
8. QuickMatch is really cool. It shows you someone’s profile & then you get to rate them out of 5 stars. If you give them 4 or 5 stars, & they also give you 4 or 5 stars, OkCupid sends you both a message that basically says, “Hey, you both like each other! Maybe you should start a conversation!”
It is a neat, kind of passive-aggressive way to let someone know you dig ‘em :P
9. Make your messages interesting, especially if you’re messaging a straight or bi girl (they get TONS of messages & are tired of hearing the same crap over & over).
The way to make your messages interesting, in my opinion & in my experience, is to phrase your message as your authentic reaction to them.
e.g. If you notice that their profile says they like Pokemon & you also like Pokemon, you don’t need to be all coy about it. You can straight-up say, “Oh my god, someone else who’s into Pokemon! I always feel like the biggest nerd about that!”
I think honesty & authenticity go a LONG way toward making a positive first impression.
10. If you end up going on a date with someone, try to relax & act like you know them already (because, from talking with them online for a bit, you kind of do).
I would recommend breaking the touch barrier early on, like by hugging them hello or something, because it would suck to get stuck in that impersonal, intellectual, internet-rooted, touchless hell.
If you’re not into them after the first or second date, don’t worry about it! Onto the next!
Good luck, darling!
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What would be your advice for how to be successful on OkCupid?
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